68. William J Clinton Presidential Center and Park, Little Rock, Arkansas

Date: September 12, 2008
Age: 31

Little Rock is still a pit, but the Clinton Library is great. Too bad it is in Arkansas.
Love, Dad

I'm having conflicting feelings about my dad at the moment. Tuesday, my aunt and brothers and I got this email from him in Arkansas:

"Rather than going through this four times on the telephone (as you know, I hate talking on the phone, especially cell phones), It is easier on me to do it this way. Anyway, the original protocol they had me on was working, but when I got here two weeks ago they found that I was regressing. So they have stopped the heavy chemo and started a new protocol, which seems to be having some positive effects. I'll be here at least another week, and will know more then. I will call you all when we get back to Florida. And thank heavens for H. She has stood by me and helped me every inch of the way. Without her, I don't know what I would have done. More later. Dad"

While I may be reading into it too much, I feel like the last sentence actually says, "Without her, I don't know what I would have done--because I don't have anyone else." And my brothers and I have really wanted to have a larger presence in our father's life, especially during his illness, and he just doesn't want us to. I've come to accept that it's pointless to try to get him on the phone, because yes, he really does hate it and just rushes through a discussion, so I've tried emailing him while he's in treatment to get updates. He responds in vague one sentences answers. Not even a sentence--a fragment without even a period. What am I supposed to do with this? I feel guilty, yet also powerless.

Then the very next day I get this postcard, reminding me that he's still thinking of me in some way. And sending me a picture of a library is a nice touch, since he's connecting with what I'm studying in graduate school. So I just don't know what to think.